Fuck you, bacon.

Oh hey girl. You love bacon? Well, guess what? YOU’RE A LIAR.

No one LOVES bacon. Especially not with an ass like that!!! (Kudos btw)

Bacon is disgusting. Have you ever heard bacon sizzle in a pan? BARF TIMES A MILLION! You know who eats bacon? DOGS. Dogs love bacon. No self-respecting human being eats bacon. Would you care to add a side of bacon? Uh. No! I don’t need a fucking sidekick. See, bacon? That’s all you are. A sidekick. You’ll never be Gotham’s hero. You’ll only ever be the sorta gay little dude, served on the SIDE. Anyone who says they “<3” bacon is doing it out of pity because they know bacon could never be a singular entrée. Just move over bacon and let the real men work.

Fuck you, Rice Krispy Treats

Alright kids, it's been over 2 years...and I'm getting back on the "fuck you, delicious food" train because Rice Krispy Treats are ruining my life. I don't know if you've seen the pre-packaged, Snap, Krackle and Pop version recently but it is a HOSS and when my office invested in a crate of them this week JUST TO TORTURE ME, I discovered that Kellogg decided it'd be "fun" to add "25% MORE!" to each brick of "I don't give a shit about my thighs, to hell with them!"

My anger may be misdirected but I'm halfway through my 2nd quarter-pounder-with-marshmallows of the day (did I have one immediately following breakfast, sitting at my desk? Indeed I did, children. Indeed I did), and I can tell you I do NOT need that extra 25% and those elves are NOT doing me any favors. They are in it to win it and they are fucking SHARKS.