Fuck you, office candy bowl

I don't know if you know this, office candy bowl, but you're a SADISTIC BUTT-FACE DOUCHE-BAG. You seriously have nothing better to do than camp out next to my undergrad-adviser's desk, laying in wait to taunt me??? What's your fucking deal? I mean, not that I care because, you're seriously gross. Mini versions of actual candy bars? Yuck. DOUBLE Yuck. Candy bars are such fugly cowards. "I'm really filled with caramel and nougat but I'm too insecure to show them to the world. I'll just hide behind this soft chocolate veil so you can't judge me." You guys would rather look like turds than preserve a SHRED of your own dignity. Fucking pussies. And as for your whole "bowl" gimmick; just so you know, placing yourself in a bowl does not make you REAL FOOD. You're still buck-a-pound, day-after-Halloween-special-clearance, TRASH that Ms. Mateen DIDN'T WANT TO EAT so she threw you in that bowl out of guilt. GUILT. Got that? NOBODY LIKES YOU, office candy bowl. You should just go home.

FUCK YOU, BAGUETTE. Your flaky, golden crust and soft, fluffy center that begs for buttery spread doesn't do a damn thing for me. In fact, I think it's really dumb.

Gold should be worn...not eaten. And FLAKY people suck. So clearly, you do too.

AND WHERE DO YOU GET OFF BEING SO LONG? 

Are you trying to overcompensate?? For your lack of moves on my taste buds??

Go back to France, Baguette, and let me be.

Ok, let me get this straight: You're cupcakes; And you're also puppies. YOU HAVE SOME FUCKING NERVE. You just HAD to find a way to combine two of my most favorite things in life. You just COULDN'T FUCKING HELP YOURSELVES, could you? And, ok, I get it, you guys are friends. You're just a group of cute-ass, different colored puppy-cakes on fucking LEASHES, hanging out on a plate, no big deal, like this is the Small-World-After-All ride at Disneyworld or some shit. Oh, don't look so surprised, beady-eyes. You don't fool me for a second. Might I ask, why the hell is the white puppy in the front? COINCIDENCE? I think not. Which leads me to my third(?) and final conclusion that puppy-cakes are as evil and racist as they are adorable and (most likely) delicious.

Ok and for anyone just joining us, this is the maiden voyage post of "Fuck You, Cupcake," and obvious rip-off (but isn't it the sincerest form of flattery?) of the infamous and brilliant "Fuck You, Penguin." Their goal is to tell cute animals what's what...ours is to tell all that amazing looking food out there, tempting us day in and day out, how much we DON'T at all want to eat it even a little bit.